Splatoon 3 maps based on how well you could masturbate there.
I'm raking these based on comfort and privacy.
I will also assume the person wants to avoid being seen, since assuming they don't mind would change the results.
Lastly, we will also assume it's during a match because you could feasibly masturbate anywhere if it's fucking barren. 



Scorch Gorge - Kinda Bad

Nowhere seems particularly comfortable, since most of the map is made of wood or metal, and grating. 
But, despite being really open, there's about two spots where you could probably rub one out if you're quick. The side route, and the beanbag your side of the map.
These are pretty high traffic areas, or directly nearby high traffic areas.

But the beanbag's position would make it pretty hard for a teammate to see you unless they're running towards their own spawn for some reason? You're in the line of sight of a few popular areas, but anyone there would be too focused to notice you, and the only likely way you'd get spotted is enemies pushing into your side of the map.

As for the side route, it's an extremely common area, depending on the gamemode. However, position yourself right, and you'll be completely obscured from anyone who isn't in this area, or directly next to it. 
Be quick, and you can probably finish up before anyone comes by.



Eeltail Alley - Awful

First, this wouldn't be very comfortable either. Asphalt and Concrete, we're on a street. There's a bit of dirt and that's the best you're getting.
Second, this map is very narrow, and very long. Long sightlines. There's nowhere that remains out of sight from high traffic areas because *everywhere* is a high traffic area.
The best you'll get is behind the wall, against the dumpster. This will shield you from everyone in mid, and anyone leaving spawn, but will still be very visible to anyone on your side of the bridge. (This will not be uncommon because your team will perpetually be at a player disadvantage due to your deviancy.)
Anywhere else, you'll have to hope people are too busy fighting to notice you taking time out the match to rub one out. 
If you're trying to not be seen, that's not a very good bet.



Hagglefish Market - Actually kinda good?

Another pretty uncomfortable area. Seems to mostly be concrete and a tiny bit of wood. 
However, there's at least two good spots, depending on the gamemode, both are nearby your spawn.

First is the dropdown to the left, nearby the colored tent. There is a wall that obscures you from enemies, and due to it the angle, you'll be obscured by spawning teammates. It's also usually a low traffic area. Unless you linger, or the enemy team pushes forward HARD, it's incredibly unlikely you'll be caught. 
Just make sure not to slip and fall into the water. 

Second is to the right, by the slope and the clear tent. Not under the tent, though! The slope has a plastic wall that obscures you from your spawning teammates. 
On certain gamemodes, enemies can't even use this as a flank route, and there's a wall of boxes that obscures your view from them. Do be careful if you are on a mode where they can, as brushes like to use this in clams, and it's one of two rainmaker paths.



Undertow Spillway - Awful

Mostly concrete. A little bit of metal. Little bit of dirt. Wonderful choices.
Not much privacy either. All the areas that are obscured are high traffic, and all the areas that are low traffic are highly visible.

There's only one spot worth trying, and that's right side of your base, nearby the dome, dropdown, grate area.
And this is exclusively on Splat Zones and Clam Blitz.
In other modes, this area is far more visible, far more high traffic, or both.
One good spot on 2/5 gamemodes does not make a good masturbation map.



Mincemeat Metalworks - Actually Pretty Good

Big surprise, this maps not very comfortable either. Metal and concrete. 
Surprisingly though, there's two good places.

First, press yourself up in a corner beneath the spawn platform. Nobody would have a reason to look at you down here, as they'd be too busy rushing to the frontline. Due to it's elevation, the only way an enemy would see you here is by pushing directly into your spawn. Just don't linger.

Second, right side, just out of mid, next to the highground battlements.
There's this one container that's almost as tall as the average inkling/octoling.
Considering you'll probably be masturbating lying down, or crouched down, it's pretty unlikely for anyone on the other side to see you.
Plus, the only place someone could see you from would be a sniper position that's only useful when enemies are pushing into your base, and a grated walkway.
However, it is very close to the frontline where all the action takes place, and on certain gamemodes, directly next to the objective. (Rainmaker & Clam Blitz)



Hammerhead Bridge - Kinda Bad

At this point, I might as well just say when the map is comfortable. Concrete, concrete, metal, a little bit of plastic. 

Masturbation spots are limited. Spawn isn't terrible. Same as always, hide against the wall and teammates are unlikely to see you coming out of spawn.
Other than that... Uh... On your side of the map, just outside mid, there's a beanbag. But it's a super high traffic area. Linger any longer than, say... 15 seconds? You're probably getting caught by somebody.
Plus, on most gamemodes, it is directly next to the objective, or the objective path.



Museum d'Alfonsino - ALMOST PERFECT

Mainly wood and concrete, not super comfortable.
HOWEVER, on the Turf War variant, I was able to find FIVE potentially good spots to relieve yourself.
Not two, not even three, FIVE. FIVE. I repeat, FIVE. That's a record I expect will NOT be broken. 

First, left side of spawn, highground dropdown.
Nobody would ever have a reason to look in this corner. Hell, usually, the only people that go up here are backline/midlines when they get pushed out of the battlements. (The rotating thing.) You could linger here the entire match and you might not get caught.

Second, go a little bit up ahead, there's a highground area behind the rotating object. Once again, almost as tall as the average Inkling/Octoling. Crouch down, and it's really hard for anyone to see you. If you're the only backline on your team, you could stay here half the match and not get caught.

Third, right side from spawn, there's an alternate entrance to mid, and a dropdown. As always, just hide against the wall and you're pretty unlikely to get spotted.

Fourth, there's this low ground side area just outside of mid. Just like Scorch Gorge, it's a mostly low traffic area; though people sometimes use it as a flank, the angle should keep you obscured by most people passing through. It's also directly next to a high traffic area. So, use if desperate.

Fifth is... Pretty much in mid.
There's this... Plastic or glass pannel that obscures anyone in most of the map. Then on one side of you, there's another panel that obscures you from most of the enemy team, then on the other side, a wall for a platform people don't usually use to enter mid.
It's still pretty open to anyone fighting over the flank, but on both sides of the map, this could work. If for some reason, you were entirely incapable of or refusing to using the plethora of safer spots.



Mahi Mahi Resort - Actually Pretty Good

This map seems to be mostly wood and plastic. Possibly the most comfortable map thus far.

It's a wide and open map with long sightlines, so I was expecting it to be awful. 
However, just outside of spawn, immediately to the left, there's a drop down corner for no fucking reason. This serves no purpose but it's probably the most secluded spot available on any map and I have no idea why it's here, but I can almost guarentee you're not getting caught here unless you have a charger on your team. At which point, they'd have to take a very specific position to even have a chance at noticing you.
You could stay here the entire goddamn match, then after, and you could reasonably go unnoticed. 

Other than that, there's two balloons on the flank route islands you can hide behind to do the deed.
When the water level drops, these platforms rise. 
The balloons obscure you from pretty much anywhere on the map that isn't this flank route.
If you don't have any backliners, there's not much reason for anyone to go back here either, so you could reasonably stay here most of the match and not get caught.
Take note, this area does not exist in Clam Blitz and Rainmaker. 
Due to that variability, I'll put it in Really Good and not Almost Perfect.



Inkblot Art Academy - Almost Perfect

This map might actually have some comfortable spots!
Best map in the game.

Well, straight out of spawn to your left, there's a dropdown. Just as secluded as the one on Mahi, I can guarantee you're not getting caught here. This one's on some asphalt. 

To the right of that, another dropdown. Your teammates are gonna pass through here a lot when respawning, but the tried and true 'Sit against the wall and expect them to never turn around' has never failed.
Plus! It's right next to a pair of bathrooms. They seem to be locked during sportsplay, but maybe you'll get lucky and have someone forget to lock them.
This one's on some asphalt.

Immediately to the right of that, next to some garbage bins, another super secluded spot. Once again, you could probably stay here and never get spotted. Nobody ever has a reason to check here.
However, it's directly next to a high traffic area. 
This is a plastic sheet next layed on top of a brick floor.

Aand, once again! To the right of that! Guess what: Another dropdown!
This one's a bit more popular though, especially in gamemodes like Tower Control and Rainmaker where the enemy has a ramp that leads up here.
But, generally, the only people that use this spot are backlines. So, you're probably good.

Next, go back to the first spot. Then go a bit further.
There's a second drop down, just as secluded. Yada yada, probably won't ever get caught, on some concrete.

Lastly, just a bit further ahead, if you wanna risk some visibility for comfort, there's a stack of boxes much taller than you on a cart. Hide behind that, and you'll be visible to teammates trying to use this flank route. But, you'll also be on a patch of grass!

This might just be the best option in the whole game, if you really just need to cum when you should be shooting people instead.



Surgeon Shipyard - It's Okay

It's okay.
Mostly wood and metal.

Obscured dropdown in front of spawn: check. 
Do note, instead of a wall, it's a railing you could easily fall over if you're crouched down so be careful about that.

A little bit ahead, on the way to the flank route, there's a very secluded corner. (With the exception of Rainmaker,) The enemy can't get up here and your teammates have no reason to check it. You're probably not getting caught here.

Further ahead on the low ground flank, there's a wall that will obscure you from most of the fighting.
But it's a pretty high traffic area. Be quick about it!



MakoMart - Awful
It's a supermarket, so it's not exactly designed to be comfortable to sit down and masturbate in.
Second, I could not find a single spot in Turf War.
I found one in Tower Control & Clams.

All dropdowns lead to somewhere that's visible to a high traffic area, or directly in a high traffic area. So, the 'Jerk in front of spawn' strat doesn't cut it here.
You might think, 'Find a secluded corner then.'
There's two in front of your base, right outside mid, but it's not so secluded. In fact, if anyone takes the main flank route, you're getting spotted in both these positions.

So, what is the one good spot?
On Tower and Clams, stay on the main spawn platform and go to the left. There's a security door and just do it there. It hides you from spawning teammates but not anybody playing nearby the objective. In fact, on Tower Control, it is directly in the line of sight of the objective. 
Honestly, if you're that desperate to cum, you'd be better off undressing and hoping everyone decides to take advantage instead of reporting you, and getting you suspended, banned from play, or arrested for indecent exposure.

Worst map available.



Wahoo World - It's Okay

Dropdown from spawn, check.
It is in the sightline of high traffic areas, and in some gamemodes, is itself a high traffic area, but usually, people will be too busy to notice you here, if you wanna take that gamble.

There's a second dropdown that leads to some high ground on your left. It's pretty really unlikely that anyone's gonna check this corner.

To your right, there's some high ground and a wall, You could masturbate behind this, since people don't generally have much reason to be back here.
Mid tier.



Brinewater Springs - Not Bad?

Hard rock and wood everywhere.
Drop down outside of spawn: Check.

The only other thing you've got going for you is a sniping position. To your right, head straight and most people don't have much reason to come here, unless they're a backliner.

Everywhere else is a very high traffic area and it'd be a bad idea to masturbate there, but these two spots are solid enough that it's not horrible.



Flounder Heights - Pretty Good

There's not much here. Just about everywhere is a high traffic area. The flank route - to the left and straight ahead of spawn - is your second best bet, and even then, people come there pretty often. You'd have to do it fast there.

However, to your right, you've got this cozy balcony. The only people who'd wanna come here are backlines, but even they usually have better options so you could probably go most of the match pretty secluded. Take your time.
For this spot alone, it makes it into Pretty Good. Unfortunately, if someone's here, you're kinda outta luck.



Um'ami Ruins - It's okay

It's very open. It'd be hard to pleasure yourself anywhere without running the risk of being seen.
It's also mainly stone, despite being in a desert.

You've got the dropdown at spawn like usual.
However, there's a higher bit of elevation with a wall here. People don't generally go up here because there's rarely a good reason to, but this so happens to be directly next to the Super Jump Recall spot. So, do be wary of teammates casually flying back in.

To the left, there's another dropdown onto lower ground. It'll keep you obscured from your teammates, but you still run a pretty huge risk of enemies seeing you down here.
But, if nowhere else is doing it for you, I guess it might work. 



Manta Maria - Pretty Good

Wood flooring, mostly.

In spawn, to the left, there's a wall that obscures you from your respawning teammates. This spot is also mostly obscured to the frontline, and it's a low traffic area, so you could probably get away with it here.
Just ahead of that too, another low traffic area if you want to be extra secluded. Nobody can really see you here unless the fighting is happening right here.
Which isn't impossible, given it'll be right next to most objective endpoints.
Take your time, maybe. You're probably not getting caught.



Barnacle & Dime - Not Bad

Our first map that might actually be comfortable!
Most of the map is hard floor, but the spawn area is this soft rubber padding, the kinda thing you'd see in a preschool or daycare. It'd absolutely be comfortable to masturbate here, especially since the usual 'Hide against the wall and expect they won't turn around' seems viable here.
It'd be comfortable enough, I'm considering bumping it up a tier. I'm a little horny just thinking of it...
And that's pretty huge because that's half the spots on this map.

The only other good spot to cum is the flank route on the left. Hard floor, low visibility, and low traffic. Though the general amount of traffic varies on gamemode.
You're probably better off just taking the one at spawn.



Humpback Pump Track - Awful

Now, if you're only worried about other Inklings or Octolings finding you, I'd actually put this in Pretty Good.

When you spawn, go to your right and go up a ramp. There is a wall that keeps you secluded from spawners and most of the map. The few people who might be able to see you would be too busy to see you, except in Tower Control and Rainmaker, as you're in direct line of sight to the Objective Endpoint.

To the left of that, there's a ramp down and a corner next to it for some reason. Here, you could probably do the deed without much interruption.

The problem is a unique one I haven't seen on any of the other maps.
Both of these spots are in direct line of sight of shopping Jellyfish.
In fact, even in you came here after hours when ink sports aren't happening, or came here for recon, there is nowhere that isn't in sight of Jellyfish going about their day. 
And you can be sure that if they don't report you, they'll definitely record you. And that might be worse...
If you're really trying to avoid an audience while you do what you need to, you're not doing that here.



Crableg Capital - It's Okay

There's only two spots on this map.
Not particularly comfortable, being mainly metal and concrete.

The first is the usual spawn dropdown.
However, most gamemodes make this a very ill-advised choice, as it won't be secluded for very long. ESPECIALLY in Clam Blitz. If you're gonna do it here, do it fast.

The second, depending on the gamemode, can be a borderline God Spot.
Spawn and walk towards the gated bridge, then go under it.
There's a blue plastic wall that covers you from the outside.
The only people who could see you here are people walking above you, taking a route next to you, or anyone who enters this side path, which most people rarely have a reason to.
However, that also means if someone catches you, they're free to do whatever they want with you without much risk of anyone seeing you.
Plus, this is the path the Tower will go, one of two Rainmaker paths, directly next to the Clams basket, and directly next to and underneath a high traffic area.
In other words, there's a high chance you won't be caught. But there's also a high chance you will be. Somehow.
That variability drops it down a tier.


Shipshape Cargo Co. - Awful

There's not really anywhere here.
Very wide and open, all high traffic or exposed areas, people often turn around on this spawn so the dropdown method is unreliable and if that weren't bad enough, the entire map is mostly... I dunno, metal? Marble? Hard flooring.



Robo ROM-en - My Favorite Map in the Game!

Given that fact, given that everyone can universally agree it plays pretty well, surely it must be decently high up, right?

STRAIGHT INTO AWFUL TIER.

Hard flooring that doesn't even seem to be particularly clean: Check.

Drop down in front of Spawn: Check, but bad idea.
See, immediately at that drop down, there's Jellyfish watching you through a window. See Humpback's review.
In fact, the ENTIRE MAP is visible to Jellyfish and probably Inklings going about their day and eating ramen. 
And, given YOU, your teammates, and your opponents are their entertainment for the hour, they're going to be looking directly at you the whole time. 

But, let's assume you're not worried about that.
The dropdown is visible enough to high traffic areas that the usual bet of 'Just hope they're too busy to notice you' isn't a very safe bet.

Then the next spot I could think up, nearby what I presume are locked bathrooms, is to the left of spawn and under a grate. Nobody really goes here, so it could work.
However, it's in the line of sight of the flank route, a small portion of mid, and the sniper perch. You'd have to get REALLY lucky for nobody to see you here.
Plus, it just so happens to be at the end of the Tower Path and next to the alternate Rainmaker checkpoint.

Not even the "Try to get a train ran on you" idea would work here, due to the massive, paying audience.

If that's your cup of tea, try being a porn star. I hear that get more respect.




Bluefin Depot - Awful

Everywhere's a high traffic area or high visibility area. If you're that desperate, just whore yourself out to the other contestants.



Marlin Airport - Pretty Good

Not super comfortable.

But, about four good spots here, if you're desperate.

First, the usual spawn method. Except spawn is closer to a combat zone than most other maps, so you should be careful doing that here.
Second, to the right of spawn, you've got a sniper perch and a corner. Sit in the corner and do your thing, it's pretty likely that nobody's going to find your here.
Third, just under the nearby grate is a flank route. As usual, only use it if you can't use the others.
For the fourth, just in front of spawn, there's an area behind the battlements. It's a lower ground, if you crouch or lie down, you might avoid being caught for a while.
Just a while, though. Don't push it. It's a combat area and a high traffic area.



Lemuria Hub - Awful

Zero comfort, zero spots.
Come out of spawn, try hiding against the wall, guess what! This is the only asymmetrical map in rotation! So, anyone at the enemy spawn could see you here!
Try and hide behind a wall - high traffic area for your teammates!
Or maybe there's some jellyfish watching you!
Or maybe it's a high traffic area for the enemy!
Oh, and don't think about being a slut again, 'cause this is a train station! Which means: Hundreds of Jellyfish, all watching you!
Sure do hope you're not THAT horny!



Urchin Underpass - The Last Map Available

How is it? Really good!

Firstly, you don't even need to dropdown from the spawn platform. The kettles launch you so far, you can just press up against the wall and nobody will ever see you.
But you could drop down. Twice, in fact. First by the ramp, then by the glass floor.
Go left from your spawn and you have a low traffic area to masturbate in, just be careful about spawners.
Except in Tower Control, this is directly in the tower path.

In the Turf War variant, if you're feeling daring, you could left, through the gated wall, then masturbate by a beanbag here on the flank. Though it's much too open in every other mode.

Now, if you're feeling EXTREMELY daring, go straight ahead out of spawn. The tall drop down flank into mid.
Here is a corner. Line of sight is incredibly limited, not even the sniping perch can see you very well.
But, it's daring for a reason. It's directly IN mid, the highest traffic area of any map.
But... Well... I guess you don't try to masturbate in public if you're not just a little daring. So, maybe try it once? Just be careful.


This list is official and you cannot disagree with it or you will DIE.

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